Life by Dice
by eedd13
Summary: Read on to find out what it's about


Life by Dice  
Written By Ethan Hayward (genius)  
  
General Plot Outline: 6 guys rob banks.  
  
Characters: Jack LaPino- Brandon Ratcliff Al PaLino- Anthony Buob Oni Lapla- Josh Arnold Pop 'Goze' Daweasul- Brandon Ratcliff Robert Calisto- Alex Hayward Tahoma Westminister- Ethan Hayward  
  
The six guys are playing cards around a square card table with a burnt out light bulb, Pigs in Heaven, a half-eaten sandwich, and a sandal in the middle as the pot in this order:  
  
Pop 'Goze' Daweasul Al PaLino  
  
Tahoma Westminister Oni Lapla  
  
Robert Calisto Jack LaPino  
  
Behind them is a poorly drawn picture of 6 dogs around a table playing cards with a black construction paper frame. In the background jazzy jazz orchestra music is playing. Everyone is smoking their cigars rather coolly and looking around.  
  
Al PaLino: .You got any Aces?  
  
Everyone puts their cards down with a 'psch' (which are all aces) except for Oni Lapla.  
  
Tahoma Westminister: You always win.  
  
The camera shows Al PaLino leaning over to the left to look at Oni Lapla's cards.  
  
Everybody laughs.  
  
Jack LaPino: Enough.  
  
There is a pause.  
  
Everyone looks over to the guy playing the piano.  
  
Robert: Is that you playing all those instruments on an electric keyboard?  
  
Jack LaPino (whispering to Robert): hey. it's 1925.  
  
Robert: Oh yeah I forgot. Is that you playing all those instruments on a non-electric piano?  
  
Piano guy winks.  
  
Music stops.  
  
Radio: And now we interrupt Anitra's Dance- Jazz version.  
  
Everyone looks at piano guy.  
  
Piano Guy: Hehehe.  
  
Piano Guy runs through the paper door, ripping it.  
  
Piano Guy: Oops!  
  
Piano Guy runs away.  
  
Radio: Are you guys done yet?  
  
Everyone murmurs yes.  
  
Radio: Finally. anyway. we interrupt Anitra's Dance-Jazz version to bring you a live bulletin of a robbery in progress at 994563287 West 935,412th street and we hope no more robbers come and make it harder for the police.  
  
Al PaLino: Well darn it, they don't want more robbers, oh well.. Yagodiny queens?  
  
Everyone puts down their queens except for Pop 'Goze' Daweasul  
  
Tahoma Westminister: Um guys. maybe we could go and help the other robbers..  
  
(Pause)  
  
Everyone: (adlib) oh yeah. I knew that yeah. lets go.  
  
At the bank, the six guys burst in with their guns drawn.  
  
Oni Lapla (to the other five guys): I think the other robbers have already left.  
  
Pop 'Goze' Daweasul: OK BANK GUYS. YOU GOT ANY MONEY LEFT?  
  
Bank Teller: The other guys all but cleaned us out. all we have is a nectarine with a bite taken out of it and an empty soda can.  
  
Robert Calisto: OK THIS IS A STICK UP!!!  
  
Everyone except the 6 guys gasp.  
  
Al PaLino walks forward with an Aldi's bag that says "bank bag" on the both sides in sharpie and sweeps the nectarine and the soda can it and walks back to the other guys.  
  
Robert Calisto: Okay, our work here is done.  
  
A loud alarm sounds.  
  
Jack LaPino: Time to go.  
  
The six guys turn and run towards the door. Robert Calisto trips on a die, then falls backward, and gets up and picks it up, then turns on his heel 720 degrees and then walks out of the door.  
  
Robert pokes his head back in.  
  
Robert: Oh yeah. I forgot to say "whoosh!"  
  
Robert runs away.  
  
Back at the club, the guys were discussing the robbing.  
  
Jack: Who gets the nectarine?  
  
Tahoma: I thought we didn't eat fruit.  
  
Jack: Oh yeah.  
  
Jack tosses the nectarine behind him.  
  
Sound: Broken glass, repeating for 40 seconds.  
  
Jack: Ok.  
  
Sound: Broken glass, followed by 35 seconds of cat sounds.  
  
Jack: Well, just put 60 cats down on our dead being list for today.  
  
Pop (holding a fly swatter): and put down 13 houseflies.  
  
Sound (while Pop sets down his fly swatter): machine guns, bombs, tanks  
  
Everyone ducks and holds their heads.  
  
Jack (to the camera): Will you stop with the stupid sound effects? They're really dangerous!  
  
Guy offstage: Sorry.  
  
Jack turns around while murmuring to himself.  
  
He looks at the soda can.  
  
Jack: Ok, how much is this baby worth?  
  
Oni bends down.  
  
Oni: Well it says 10 cents.  
  
Everyone cheers.  
  
Oni: But that's only in Florida.  
  
Everyone: Darn!  
  
Robert: I found this die in the bank.  
  
Jack: Well put another dead animal.  
  
Robert: No, no, no! Die is the singular name for dice. Dice is sometimes used as the singular, only because the plural is sometimes mistaken for both, like deer or sheep. But Webster's took a survey and decided that 57% of the people thought that die was only dead, and not the singular of dice.  
  
Jack: Um.. Yeah. So anyway. Where's the dice?  
  
Robert: Are you kidding? I just told you that dice is plural!  
  
Jack: And you expect me to understand that?  
  
Robert pulls the dice out of his pocket.  
  
Jack: So what's so good about this diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeee?  
  
Robert: I don't know.. It is the name of the movie, for cryin' out loud!  
  
Jack: Ah.  
  
Tahoma looks at the camera.  
  
Tahoma: What's with the dice?  
  
Tahoma: Oh, you're shrugging, yeah. Really? Well bring it!  
  
Tahoma runs at the camera and it turns to fuzz.  
  
Camera gets better.  
  
Everyone is comforting Tahoma.  
  
Tahoma: I swear. He's evil.  
  
The camera suddenly switches to a soap opera angle.  
  
Oni is standing, breathing hard, almost at tears. He turns around and storms off, head in hands.  
  
The angle switches. Robert is standing, breathing hard, almost at tears. He runs up in Pop's arms, girlishly. Over Pop's shoulder, Robert glares at Jack.  
  
Suddenly, we see an hourglass with the words, "Days of our Lives" written elaborately across it.  
  
Narrator: Next week, on Days of our Lives.  
  
Al: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!  
  
The paper with the hourglass is ripped away and Al is fuming.  
  
Al: Listen, NBC. You can infect the rest of the channels with your Karma- Crap, but this is one Gangster who doesn't get involved in soaps.  
  
The rest of the crew is seen, nodding fervently.  
  
Pop: So, where were we?  
  
Tahoma: Well, you were there, you were there, you were there, you were there, and you were there. Oh, and I was here.  
  
Tahoma points out all of the consecutive places that they were just standing before he attacked the cameraman.  
  
Robert: So, what's with the dice.  
  
Tahoma: I have an idea!  
  
Tahoma runs to a file cabinet, where, conveniently, the only thing in there is the script for this film. He takes it out, and shows it to Pop.  
  
Pop: Good call, Tohmy [Toe-Mee].  
  
They flick through the script until they land on page 6 [this page].  
  
Tahoma: Hey, you needed help pronouncing my nickname! Kinda weird. Oh, here's something.  
  
The camera flicks over Tahoma's shoulder, and we see that everything Tahoma just said and did is on this page. Including what was just written. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that.  
  
Tahoma: Well, this is quite paradoxical and confusing.  
  
Pop: I think my head might explode with confusion. AAAAHHHH! Just kidding.  
  
Tahoma: Here's something. It says in this script, that I say, "It says in this script," and then I say that the dice is to predict the outcome of each of our bank jobs. Even is good, Odd is bad.  
  
Oni: But what if we don't want to succeed in the heist? Then is Even succeeding and Odd not succeeding? I mean, the other way around.  
  
Tahoma: It's confusing enough, Oni. You don't need to jubilate it.  
  
Robert: Do you even know what 'jubilate' means?  
  
Tahoma: I don't know what it means, but it said that I should say jubilate here in the script. Whoa! And it even said what you just said, Rob! This thing is like, all knowing or something!  
  
Pop: I think I'll, uh, hold on to this.  
  
Pop takes the script, and flicks to the next page.  
  
Pop: Whoa! In like, five or ten minutes, we go to Vegas, baby!  
  
Tahoma: Does it say what we do there?  
  
Pop: No, but it does say what I just said, see?  
  
Pop shows Tahoma the 7th page, which has what he just said on it.  
  
Tahoma: Wow! This is really, really, weird!  
  
Robert: I got an idea. How about we put this thing away. All it's causing is confusion.  
  
Oni and Al: Good idea.  
  
Pop: Actually, technically, this script had the idea.  
  
Tahoma: Actually, whoever this guy is, Ethan Hayward.  
  
Tahoma looks at the name of the writer of the script.  
  
Tahoma: Had the idea. Must be a genius. Absolutely.  
  
Everyone but Tahoma and Pop: Definitely.  
  
Pop: Everyone be quiet! It's so confusing. Like a time-rip! Things happen before they actually happen! Oh.  
  
Pop faints.  
  
The camera flicks to Pop lying in a bed with a blue bag full of ice on his head and a thermometer sticking out of his mouth.  
  
Oni: In actual good movies like the Godfather, mobsters and gangsters never get sick with like headaches and headcolds and stuff.  
  
Pop: Well, very unfortunate, yes.  
  
Jack puts a glove on his right hand.  
  
Jack: Well, I think your temperature is ready.  
  
Jack reaches for the thermometer with his GLOVED hand. The camera flicks back to Pop, and an UNGLOVED hand takes the thermometer out of his mouth. When the camera flicks back to Jack, his hand comes back into the frame GLOVED with the thermometer in his hand.  
  
Jack: Whew! 98.6! You're burning up!  
  
Pop: No I'm not, you idiot! That's normal body temperature!  
  
Pop gets up and throws the ice to JACK. When the camera flicks to who catches it, it is caught by ROBERT.  
  
Al: Will You Stop With The Stupid Noticeable Mistakes?!  
  
Cameraman: Sorry!  
  
Pop: You know, this cameraman is causing a lot of trouble. I say we get rid of him.  
  
Everyone charges at the camera. The screen fills with fuzz. When it clears up again, the camera pulls off amazingly cool shots. It zooms around the room and zooms up to people just staring at it with one eyebrow raised, mouthing wordlessly. Finally, the camera finds it's subject- Pop. It pans constantly around Pop.  
  
Pop: It's time to get a new cameraman.  
  
Everyone: Yeah.  
  
We hear a clunk, and the camera turns to fuzz again. When it goes back to normal, the camera does the same shots as it did with the first cameraman.  
  
Cameraman: Thank you for re-hiring me! I really will be good this time! I-  
  
Robert: Hey. There isn't any Cameraman dialogue in this movie.  
  
Tahoma: Actually, there is. Look.  
  
He holds up the script.  
  
Pop: Put that away! I got brain damage because of that thing!  
  
Tahoma: I really don't think you need that thing to get brain damage.  
  
Pop: Are you being cynical?  
  
Tahoma: Yeah.  
  
Pop: Ah. So that means that you actually think that I do need the script to cause brain damage?  
  
Tahoma: I never said that.  
  
Pop: You really think so? You really think I'm smart? Oh! Thank you!  
  
Tahoma: I never said that.  
  
Pop: Oh, okay. Well how about this- Do you think this guy is smart- CoughPopCough  
  
Tahoma: All you did was cough your name into your shirtsleeve.  
  
Pop: Well, okay. How about this- Do you think the guy who looks a lot like CoughJackCough is smart?  
  
Tahoma: I do notice that you have an uncanny resemblance to Jack, but that's still not gonna cut it.  
  
Pop: Well how about this one- Do you not think that you don't not think that not Pop is not not smart?  
  
Tahoma: Well, I guess so.  
  
Pop: Ha! I knew you thought I was smart! Hahahahahaha! You're so dumb.  
  
Tahoma: That's not what I meant.  
  
Pop: Well, since you fell for my trick, in proportion I'm smart.  
  
Tahoma: You are such an idiot.  
  
Pop: You think I'm dumb? Just listen to this. One time, I was at this party,  
  
The camera is gradually zooming toward Pop. We do not see Tahoma.  
  
Tahoma: Yeah.  
  
Pop: And it was like a barbecue thing, and we were just havin' a rockin' time,  
  
Tahoma: Mm-Hmm.  
  
Pop: And like dancin' to that swing music we were listenin' to before, ya know?  
  
Tahoma: I see.  
  
Pop: Well anyway, we noticed that we were out of meat!  
  
Tahoma: Cool.  
  
Pop: And we were at a barbecue, ya know, so we gotta have meat.  
  
Tahoma: Really.  
  
Pop: And so I like said, "Hey, I'll go to the store and get the meat!"  
  
Tahoma: Good.  
  
Pop: And everyone was like, "Good idea! We'll just sit here!"  
  
Tahoma: Oh.  
  
Pop: And so I like went to the store and got the meat and we had the barbecue!  
  
Tahoma: Yeah. Cool. Neat.  
  
Pop glares off-camera. The camera flicks to Tahoma, who is reading Pigs in Heaven and drinking a Pepsi.  
  
Al (distantly): Wow, talk about product placement.  
  
Tahoma: Yep. Oh yeah. Very good.  
  
Pop: Okay, whatever.  
  
Robert: So let's use this die thing.  
  
Oni (distantly): I was just about to suggest that!  
  
Robert takes the die out of his pocket, then closes his hand around it.  
  
Robert: What should we rob?  
  
Jack looks around after this dramatic statement, and notices nobody has thought of anything. In fact, they all act as if Robert were asking the square root of 765. Oni takes out a calculator and starts banging around on it.  
  
Jack: Um, how about like a bank or something?  
  
Oni: I was just about to suggest that.  
  
Robert: Good idea. Now. I'll roll this dice.  
  
Pop: Die.  
  
Robert: Whatever. I'll roll this dice, and.  
  
Pop: Die.  
  
Oni: Honestly, do you people really care about correct grammar? I mean, we are kinda gangsters.  
  
Pop: Mobsters.  
  
Everyone but Pop: Shut up!  
  
Robert: Okay. I'll roll this thing I have in my hand, and we'll see what the outcome of our heist will be. Agreed?  
  
Everyone: Agreed.  
  
Jack rolls the dice.  
  
Oni (distantly): Stupid intentional mistakes!  
  
The dice lands on seven.  
  
Everyone: Yay!  
  
Tahoma: No, everyone. This means it will be unsuccessful!  
  
Everyone: Boo!  
  
Pop: Let's just go anyway.  
  
Tahoma thinks.  
  
Tahoma: Okay.  
  
Tahoma shrugs.  
  
The camera flicks to a bank. Some spy-like techno music plays. The camera flicks to a guy that looks like Oni Lapla dancing along to the music. Suddenly, the six guys burst in. A SWAT team advances on them and they run away. The music stops. The camera flicks to the club.  
  
Everyone: DARN IT!  
  
Tahoma: I told you guys.  
  
Robert: Hey, Pop.  
  
Pop is facing the opposite direction.  
  
Robert: Pop! Pop!  
  
Pop turns around and starts.  
  
Pop: Oh! Hi!  
  
Robert: Didn't you say that in five to ten minutes we'd be going to Las Vegas?  
  
Pop: That's what the script said.  
  
Robert: Do you think that it's time for a road trip?  
  
Everyone: Yeah!  
  
The camera flicks to the front of a car, sitcom-like. Everyone gets in, Pop and Oni in the front, Tahoma, Al, and Robert in the back. Oni is driving.  
  
Oni: Too bad Jack was sick.  
  
Tahoma: Yeah, that was kinda tragic.  
  
It is obvious that the car is not moving, because we can see out the back window. There is a pause and Oni moves the steering wheel around a little.  
  
Oni: We're here!  
  
Everyone exits the car. The camera flicks to all five of them, walking down a very small street, very slowly. Around them are boxes with squares drawn on them with marker. One of them says CASINO on it.  
  
Robert: Man, Vegas isn't what it's cracked up to be.  
  
Pop: Yeah! Only one Casino!  
  
Everyone looks very bored.  
  
Tahoma: Well, should we rob a bank while we're here?  
  
Everyone: Yeah!  
  
Oni: Wait! I have an idea! How about we rob the CASINO!  
  
Everyone: Yeah!  
  
The camera flicks to everyone entering the CASINO. They don't call out a stickup yet. The camera flicks to the CASINO. Everyone in it is asleep.  
  
Pop: OKAY! THIS IS A STICKUP!  
  
Everyone wakes up. Someone presses an alarm. A SWAT team advances on the five and escorts them out of the CASINO.  
  
The camera flicks back to the club. Everyone is sitting around the table, sullen. If one looks close enough, they would notice that Jack is missing.  
  
Tahoma: We are so sullen. It says so in the script, see?  
  
Tahoma shows the script to everyone.  
  
Pop: God, Tahoma! Put that away!  
  
Tahoma: You're name is Pop "Goze" Daweasul! Isn't that amusing!  
  
Pop: Really? Lemme see that.  
  
Tahoma shows the script to Pop.  
  
Pop: Whoa, dude.  
  
Oni and Robert: Dude.  
  
Tahoma and Jack: Dude.  
  
Al and Cameraman: Dude.  
  
Everyone looks at the camera.  
  
Everyone: Shh!  
  
Cameraman: You know what, a bunch of people are watching this movie right now.  
  
Everyone (looking at each other): Really?  
  
Oni: Who would pay money to watch a movie starring a bunch of crackpots who rob banks, slaves to a die?  
  
Everyone looks at the camera. Everyone looks back. There is a long pause, where everyone coughs a whole bunch.  
  
Al: Should we, like, roll the dice some more?  
  
Everyone: Nah.  
  
END 


End file.
